I thought I would forever waste my life crushing on people I could never have - hot seniors when I was a freshman who were off-limits, celebrities I'd never meet, college interns from Notre Dame who I worked with who were the forbidden workplace fruit fantasy, fantasies that lingered long after they should have stopped. The idea of marriage terrified me, not because of commitment, but because I did not want to be with a partner who was crushing on other people whether it was celebrity crushes or other people. I did not want to be misaligned. I wanted to be fully about who the person I would be with, not being half-present while secretly daydreaming about another. That included no celebrity crushes. I had to confess to those, too, before I could be with The One. I knew that meant I had to be honest about my own crushes - even the harmless, imaginary, celebrity ones. Before I could be with "The One," I had to let all the crush baggage go.
I refused to have a partner who thirsted after celebrities they would never have or he was sighing behind my back about some hot college classmate he could never have. I was just a fan girl and I knew I would never have celebrity crushes, but there are some fans who do waste their lives pretending to be with celebrities they will never have and I will never be that kind of fan. I knew when something wouldn't work out and I accepted it instead of acting bitter. I have always known the difference between admiration and delusion. I enjoy many things but I don't waste my life pretending something unreal is real. I accept reality. I accept when something isn't for me and when something is.
I refused to have a partner who thirsted after celebrities they would never have or he was sighing behind my back about some hot college classmate he could never have. I was just a fan girl and I knew I would never have celebrity crushes, but there are some fans who do waste their lives pretending to be with celebrities they will never have and I will never be that kind of fan. I knew when something wouldn't work out and I accepted it instead of acting bitter. I have always known the difference between admiration and delusion. I enjoy many things but I don't waste my life pretending something unreal is real. I accept reality. I accept when something isn't for me and when something is.
For the longest time, I couldn't figure out why people at school were acting so salty toward me.
- The shady glares weren't just coming from the girls. It was both guys and girls who glared at me.
How my teenage brain worked:
On bored days, my teenage self lived entirely in her imagination.
So instead:
What I didn’t know at the time?
On bored days, my teenage self lived entirely in her imagination.
- I came up with lots of crush fantasies about my classmates.
- I did not want to be the girl who thirsts over celebrities she will never date or marry.
- I had already seen what that path looked like—and I wanted no part of it.
- She never dated anyone.
- She didn’t maintain guy friendships.
- She acted strangely, pretending she was “with” a celebrity.
- The celebrity didn’t even want to take a fan photo with her.
So instead:
- I fantasized about real people.
- Hot classmates.
- People who actually existed in my world.
What I didn’t know at the time?
- Apparently, my classmates could sense these fantasies.
- They wanted to be “the fantasy.”
- And when they weren’t… the glares started. 😅
Yes, I had girl fantasies too. Not romantic--life fantasies.
- A girl best friend with the same name as me.
- Two girl friends dating two guy friends.
- Two sisters and two brothers dating.
- A close-knit group of college girls who would be my bridesmaids.
- A lot of girls were mean.
- A lot of them were jealous.
- Many guys wanted me, not them.
- And some girls nearly missed out on their own fantasies because of it.
- A Chinese girl best friend like me.
- They were jealous I hung out at Morrissey Hall with the boys.
- They didn’t have that kind of friendship with any guy.
The fantasy list (yes, I had one). The honest, chaotic list of fantasies teenage-me entertained:
- The J-name fantasy
- Same first letter as me. Jessie + J-name.
- The birthday twin fantasy
- Crushing on someone with the same birthday.
- The soccer player fantasy
- For some reason… soccer players.
- Someone’s brother
- Brother–brother fantasy
- Seeing which brother would confess.
- Neighbor boy fantasy
- Twin fantasies
- Crushing on twins.
- Waiting to see which one would confess.
- Orchestra / band stand sandwich
- Crushing on the two guys sitting on either side of me.
- Waiting to see who would confess first.
- College dorm roommate fantasy
- Crushing on two roommates.
- Again… waiting for a confession.
- Marine / military fantasy
- I thought about joining for marching band and exercise.
- Realized I wasn’t a military girl.
- Still crushed on a Marines guy.
- Fan community fantasy
- Befriending fans at conventions or forums.
- Inviting them to my future wedding.
- Celebrity connections (not delusions)
- Meeting celebrities for a TV project I’m working on.
- Not pretending to be with them—actual collaboration.
- Hater’s brother fantasy
- Crushing on a mean girl’s brother.
- Purely out of spite. 💅
They finally confessed that the fan convention I went to was planned and just for me and other fans. They knew I would go to the convention and Andrew Keegan got a picture with me. Joseph Gordon-Levitt yeeted from the meet and greet. I felt the yeet.
I thought I was just a fan crushing on celebrities. I didn't know they could sense my crush right through the TV.
Years later when Connor could finally talk to me he admitted he had a crush back and didn't know who I was.
I suggested he should date his co-star who can hang out with him because I'm with Zach Einterz now. I thought he was gay and had a boyfriend. Maybe he just has to meet the right girl if he had a crush on me and he didn't know if I was real or not and had a crush, LOL.
Years later when Connor could finally talk to me he admitted he had a crush back and didn't know who I was.
I suggested he should date his co-star who can hang out with him because I'm with Zach Einterz now. I thought he was gay and had a boyfriend. Maybe he just has to meet the right girl if he had a crush on me and he didn't know if I was real or not and had a crush, LOL.
YouTube: @jessiediariesessa/@essaberrydiaries
IG: @essaberrydiaries/@westcoastlifenew
TikTok: @diariesofjessie
IG: @essaberrydiaries/@westcoastlifenew
TikTok: @diariesofjessie
To All The Boys I've Loved Before
Sometimes, I wondered what my life would be like in a fictional setting.
I only get my ideas from my non-fiction events. I'm not really good at writing fictional stories.
To All the Boys reminds me of my real life but fictionalized, LOL.
It's also no coincidence that the main character who is a girl is Asian, just like me - Lana Condor.
The three Asian sisters are me - Lara Jean, older sister - Mona Yeh, youngest sister - Rachel Brandon.
The five boys from high school are:
1. Michael David Pierrat - a lusty neighbor boy
2. Paul Wehle - Kenny Donati
3. Andrew Wiand - John Ambrose -- Andrew and I did stare at each other for one second in real life and never spoke in real life. HAHA
4. Drew Cramer - who I forgot was the high school boyfriend and prom date - Lucas in the movie, LOL.
5. Jay Vagharase - Josh Sanderson, the next door neighbor boy, how fitting J-name
Sometimes, I wondered what my life would be like in a fictional setting.
I only get my ideas from my non-fiction events. I'm not really good at writing fictional stories.
To All the Boys reminds me of my real life but fictionalized, LOL.
It's also no coincidence that the main character who is a girl is Asian, just like me - Lana Condor.
The three Asian sisters are me - Lara Jean, older sister - Mona Yeh, youngest sister - Rachel Brandon.
The five boys from high school are:
1. Michael David Pierrat - a lusty neighbor boy
2. Paul Wehle - Kenny Donati
3. Andrew Wiand - John Ambrose -- Andrew and I did stare at each other for one second in real life and never spoke in real life. HAHA
4. Drew Cramer - who I forgot was the high school boyfriend and prom date - Lucas in the movie, LOL.
5. Jay Vagharase - Josh Sanderson, the next door neighbor boy, how fitting J-name
Pan-Tech, Inc. is a freelancing company I work for on the side. I own the company. I'm still looking for a 40-80 hour work week.
Pan-Tech is an evening or weekend part-time position. I don't get paid for the work. It's just to gain more experiences.
Once in a while I will get paid for the work, but it doesn't make me enough to afford my own apartment. It just pays for meals.
Pan-Tech is an evening or weekend part-time position. I don't get paid for the work. It's just to gain more experiences.
Once in a while I will get paid for the work, but it doesn't make me enough to afford my own apartment. It just pays for meals.
